Hello dreamers!
Last week, we explored how telling a story “based on a true story” is a powerful tool around myth-making using the movie about SNL that was recently released.
There are so many examples out in the world besides movies we could use, of course, but I was thinking about how this works on the personal level around our own stories and based on our own memories. And histories.
Because sometimes, we look back at times in our lives – especially difficult or traumatic times – and we can start myth-building, we can start constructing narratives based on true stories from our own lives.
But often the stories that end up setting shop in our psyche as the truth are actually like the SNL movie – based on true things but not actually the truth. We mash things together that may have happened in totally different times, we have the wrong people saying things, we exaggerate and conflate and even get things utterly wrong.
It is what happens with memory.
It is what happens when we look back at difficult moments and times in our lives.
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One of the greatest things I have learned working with dreams and being taught by dreams is the importance of asking questions. When working with a dream, I have learned to ask questions about even the most minuscule details or fleeting moments in a dream because sometimes there is terribly important information tucked into these “small” things waiting to be uncovered.
But the questions need to be asked.
Questions like – Is what you assume is happening what is really happening? or How do you know that person is terrible or wonderful? or How do you know this place or child belongs to someone else? or Why are you sure that person is feeling a certain way when really their face is just blank?
The dreams teach us to ask questions and question assumptions because we move through the narratives in our dreams with our assumptions, with our traumas, with all that we believe. Often, the narrative of a dream is set up to challenge our deep assumptions and beliefs. To maybe even show that we have assumptions and beliefs we are not aware of carrying.
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When it comes to memory and looking back at those hard times, we also do not think to ask these kinds of questions. We base narratives of our lives on assumptions we created in actual moments or that came later.
Or on stories we have been told about the time.
But we never really think to bring the idea of questioning our own assumptions about events in our lives. We never really think to question narratives that have formed – “based on true events”.
Our dreams help us do to this by creating experiences and scenarios to help us raise these kinds of questions.
And our dreams also want us to learn how to do this in our waking lives around, well, everything.
But especially our memory. Especially what we remember in our histories that form the foundation of our belief systems about ourselves. About who we are in the world and who we could be.
The way our dreams work with us is also to encourage us to bring this curiosity even to our memories. Or to versions of stories from our past.
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So here is one from my past.
When I was in high school, I was not asked out on many dates. I did not really have a boy or girlfriend, in fact, until I was in college. And actually, not until the end of college.
Here was my version of that why that was “true” for a very, very long time.
I was convinced it was because I was not “datable”. I did not think I had any beauty, I did not think anyone would really want to date me if they really got to know me anyway. I never really believed I was lovable.
Right?!
Some of these beliefs came from growing up with a mom who was unconsciously jealous and so did not tell me I was beautiful or special. Some of these beliefs came from some of the other trauma I experienced as a kid. All true.
But, when I was a teenager heading into my early twenties, my version of the story was truly that I was not pretty or attractive or special. I mean, I did have the fact that no one really asked me out when I was in high school. And the few times it did happen, there was often only one date.
Why wouldn’t I believe my version?
Only, it wasn’t true.
In my late twenties, I was out with one of my brothers, the one just a year older than me and he suddenly turned to me and said, completely out of the blue and not in line with anything we were talking about, “Do you know why you didn’t date in high school?”
I said, after my initial confusion at the absolute non sequitur, “Well, yeah. I mean, I wasn’t very attractive, and I was kinda obnoxious so why would anyone have asked me out?” He said, “What? No! No! Not true at all! The reason you didn’t date is because me, M [my other brother who was just 2 years older than me] and a bunch of our friends formed “The Scavo Mafia” and anytime anyone wanted to ask you out, we had a ‘conversation’ with him.”
“What kind of ‘conversation’?” I asked.
He went on to explain how they made sure that anyone who was interested in me knew that, if anything happened to me that the gang did not like, the boy would have to answer to them. All of them. He said, “Of course, no one asked you out.” [Side note: my brothers and their friends were the football and soccer and basketball jocks at my school.]
Now, I am sure there is a great deal of exaggeration in this story [my brother does like to exaggerate], but it did turn out to be true in many ways. Because he gave me examples. Because my other brother said, yup. Because some of the friends also concurred.
So, I had created a story about how I was never going to be loved because I was unlovable based on the fact that no one asked me out as a teen – but it was really because my brothers and their friends were “protecting” me. My version was based on a true story, but it was not true at all.
[Also, my brother’s version of “protection” has its own distortions, but that’s for another exploration.]
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We all know how, when we are kids and experience traumatic events, we often distort the event to blame ourselves. But we also do this in other ways, like in my story.
What would it be like if we looked back at all our memories with this kind of curiosity – Are we remembering it clearly? Have we distorted the story in some way over time? What other stories did we have that influenced the creation of some of our other stories? What if what we believe is not actually true? Is it possible there were other factors unknown to me?
Is it possible that some of the stories of my life are “based on a true story” but are not based in truth?
What if we could learn to question, well, everything. The way our dreams teach us.